Comments on Viva la Feminista: Is there love after abortion?

I got pregnant right around the time my husband an...

2010-09-19T17:57:12.171-05:00

I got pregnant right around the time my husband and I got engaged. I didn't know it until 6 or 8 weeks later, of course. It was absolutely not on purpose. It was absolutely not good news. I'd already been a little bit freaked out about the engagement. He'd been my best friend for even longer than he'd been my lover; I was afraid that marriage would change things or that the engagement had come too fast.

When I found I was pregnant, he thought we could deal with it. I knew I couldn't. We talked it through (and talked and talked and talked) and he finally came to understand all the many, complex reasons---going back to my own childhood, even---that I just wasn't ready. And so I had an abortion.

That was over eight years ago. Still married, still best friends, still very much in love. Still childless, by choice. We're both at peace with everything that brought us to this particular place in our lives---it's a good and happy place, after all. Maybe it even helped us, to weather the crisis together. Maybe we know each other better now than we would have if I hadn't become pregnant. And I really don't think we'd still be together if I'd had a baby 8 years ago. I'm so grateful that we are, and so lucky for it too. There are any number of potential children in our future, but only one us.

I guess this comment is a bit late, but I am going...

2010-09-18T19:18:58.671-05:00

I guess this comment is a bit late, but I am going through something like what you describe right now. I also think that my story shows that abortions can actually start relationships. I hooked up with a guy and later realized he was a jerk and that things would not work out. Surprise, surprise, despite various types of birth control, I ended up pregnant our first time to have sex. I told him over the phone after we had broken up and he rejected me and the pregnancy. I decided to terminate it and move on with my life. Fast forward to now, nearly two months later, and this guy has expressed his remorse to me and is a completely different person with me. He is actually a really great guy and is taking my tears and hormonal craziness with complete compassion and strength. But I think that if we had forced ourselves to marry because of a baby, that we would have resented each other for it and probably would have ended up divorcing. It's hard to tell, but I kind of feel that going through this abortion together cut out a great deal of bullshit from our lives and has given us a deeper perception of what loving others is about. I don't know how long we will last, but I figure if we can get through this together we have a good chance.

Alison -- Thanks for checking in! And to everyon...

2010-03-01T20:16:45.460-06:00

Alison -- Thanks for checking in!

And to everyone who shared their stories, thank you so much.

Thank you for this post. Found you by way of Femin...

2010-03-01T16:06:36.299-06:00

Thank you for this post. Found you by way of Feministing.com

I am not able to fathom the "relationship ending" logic either. I've been married for seven years. I had an abortion 2 weeks before we were married. Neither of us were ready for what a child would entail at that stage in our lives and at that early stage of marriage. Additionally, I was not sure I wanted to have children at all. It was an experience that brought us closer together as a lot of challenging experiences do.

Maybe 2 years into my relationship with my at the ...

2010-02-28T17:51:14.400-06:00

Maybe 2 years into my relationship with my at the time boyfriend, I got pregnant. He was ready to support me in whatever decision I made. I was not emotionally ready for a child. After being a second mom for my siblings for most of my childhood, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. I kinda "did that time" and look back upon it with regret for various reasons. I saw my pregnancy as the same. No child deserves that.

6 years later, we're married and very much happy with our lives. I have never regretted my decision for a minute. My next door neighbors have a new baby and I occasionally hear it or see them with it. It also doesn't make me regret anything to see a living, healthy baby. My neighbors made the decision to have theirs, just as I made my decision.

More of a problem for me was the socialization against abortion. Other than my now husband, I have never told friends, family, or co-workers that I was ever pregnant or got an abortion. I was thrown into a really bad depression that did not end until after the abortion was over. It made me feel like I was a bad person for even considering even though I KNEW it would be better for my relationship, for me personally, for everything... if I did it. I felt very suicidal during this phrase. I think I would be dead today if I didn't have my now husband there supporting me and loving me.

Thanks for raising these questions again. I'm...

2010-02-27T19:37:22.703-06:00

Thanks for raising these questions again. I'm glad this essay remains provoking, and I know it certainly was to lots of folks who disagreed with me when I wrote it. But I still agree with myself: we had an abortion, and now we have a baby, and both were parts of our love story.

Great post, and thanks for the links!

2010-02-26T14:49:51.635-06:00

Great post, and thanks for the links!

I had an abortion about 6 months into my relations...

2010-02-25T10:43:59.032-06:00

I had an abortion about 6 months into my relationship with Scott. Neither of us was emotionally ready or healthy enough to want or raise a child, so the decision was made to terminate the pregnancy. 14 years later, we're still together and going strong.

As you can imagine, the infertility of the past 10 years has sometimes made me wonder if I made the wrong decision back then, but the answer that always comes back to me is a very firm "no, I did not make the wrong decision." I'd have a child now, yes, but I'd most likely be a single mother - not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's hard - and I would have made a terrible mother at that time in my life. Terminating that pregnancy was the best thing for me and for my relationship with Scott. It really did allow us to blossom as a couple in a way that we never would have if we'd had a baby so early in our relationship.