Women's History Month: Association for Research on Mothering

Today's Women's History Tidbit:
1962: Track and field champion Jackie Joyner-Kersee is born in East St. Louis, IL.*

The Association for Research on Mothering is an organization which I've admired from afar. I failed to ante up the membership dues because I felt they were a bit steep for my pocketbook.

The Association for Research on Mothering (ARM), founded in 1998, is the first international feminist organization devoted specifically to the topic of mothering-motherhood. Our mandate is to provide a forum for the discussion and dissemination of research on motherhood and to establish a community of individuals and institutions working and researching in the area of mothering and motherhood. 

And because York University won't support their work anymore, ARM is closing on May 1, 2010. Talk about a May Day for mothers worldwide. 

ARM does some great work on behalf of mothering and mothers everywhere. I reviewed Feminist Mothering almost a year ago.  I've submitted abstracts to their call for their many journals without success, but I kept hammering away because I knew that if I could get in, I got in with an amazing piece of work. Thus a few weeks ago when I got the acceptance note for their upcoming conference in conjunction with Mamapalooza, I was in seventh heaven. But then I started to ponder the price tag for registering, traveling and housing myself in NYC for a few days. I hesitated. But over the weekend I was like, yeah, I can do this. Then the email came today. No conference. 

But the Museum of Motherhood is determined to birth this baby and I guess that means I should be determined as well. 

I'll see what the conference fees look like once the new registration site goes live in a few days. But I'm almost certain I'll be there. Because I really want to be there. In fact I feel like I need to be there.

You should read PhD in Parenting's reaction to the closing of ARM. And I won't lie. I immediately started to think, could I help save ARM? But considering the state of affairs in Illinois, I sadly need to focus on maintaining my day job and helping to save my coworkers' jobs.

Edited to add...

I realized that I failed to put any action into this baby. If you are upset that ARM is closing due to York's refusal to support them, ARM is asking you:

That any comments or questions on the forced closure of ARM be directed to the following individuals (please cc arm@yorku.ca; aoreilly@yorku.ca):
Associate Dean of Research, FLAPS, Barbara Crow, bacrow@yorku.ca
Executive Officer, FLAPS, Felim Greene, fgreene@yorku.ca
Associate Dean, External Relations, FLAPS, Moghissi Haideh, moghissi@yorku.ca
Dean, FLAPS, Martin Singer, martin.singer@yorku.ca
Vice President, Research and Innovation, Stan Shapson, vpri@yorku.ca
Associate Vice President Research, Social Sciences and the Humanities, David Dewitt, ddewitt@yorku.ca
Vice-President Academic & Provost, Patrick Monahan, provost@yorku.ca
Director, Office of Research Services, David Phipps, dphipps@yorku.ca
President and Vice Chancellor, Mamdouh Shoukri, mshoukri@yorku.ca

* Source: 2010 Women Who Dare Engagement Calendar from the Library of Congress

URGENT: Music and Mothers entry needed for Encyclopedia on Motherhood....

Andrea O'Reilly, general editor of the first ever encyclopedia on motherhood is in need of a replacement entry for the topic "music and mothers."

The entry is needed by February 1, 2010 and is to be 2500 words including a work cited of approx 5 titles. The entry is to provide an overview of the topic historically but most of the entry should focus on the following: motherhood as a topic/theme in various musical genres of the 20th/21st centuries; rock, blues, jazz, hip hop, country etc; contemporary popular mother musicians such as Courtney Love, Britney Spears, Dixie Chicks etc. (their music, how treated/perceived in the industry); the contemporary motherhood rock movement with special attention to Mamapalooza.

The encyclopedia is being published by Sage Press and will out in April 2010.

Please email aoreilly@yorku.ca directly asap.

Interrupted Life: Incarcerated Mothers in the United States - From Awearness

Originally posted at the AWEARNESS blog.

I'm not usually an art person. It's not that I don't like art -- it's that I don't usually get it. But last week I went to the last day of Rickie Solinger's Interrupted Life: Incarcerated Mothers in the United States: A Traveling Public Art Exhibition. Almost immediately I was in tears.

The first piece I stood in front of was a list of rules that incarcerated women must adhere to during visitation or else their visitation rights will be revoked. It was breathtaking to see all the rules etched into glass in black and white. It was overwhelming. And I knew this is why I waited until the last minute to see the exhibit. If I had gone earlier, I might have found myself obsessing over the pieces day after day.

Read the rest over at AWEARNESS...

Nurturing Responsible Privilege

Can it be done? I sure hope so.

While I still identify with my working class background, I also acknowledge the numerous privileges I have earned. My mother always let my sisters and I know that my parents moved us into our school district for the "better" education we would get. This wasn't just so we would get a good education, it was so that we would have better career options than our parents had and thus for our children to have a "better" life.

So here I sit with bachelor's and masters degrees in my fairly comfortable upper middle class life. wow.

What got me thinking about all of this were two things:

1) Our daughter came home with a note about an after-school science program. My husband asked her if she wanted to do it and she said yes. He immediately filled out the application and was ready to grab the checkbook to pay the almost $200 fee. WOW. I pulled out of Model UN and color guard camp for money reasons. Thus when I did get to participate in something it was a real privilege. One reason why I started working in high school was so that I could buy my own shampoo that was cruelty-free. My dad worked for a major cosmetic company (that tested on animals) and we got a ton of free stuff. The fact that we can pay for an after-school program without much thought is still breathtaking to me.

2) My daughter was skipping and jumping around campus on Friday. She said that it was her home. She was toting her notepads and crayons in a tote bag that I got in New Orleans at the 1996 American Society of Ichthyologists and Herpetologists Annual Meeting. Seriously, how many kids are this exposed to science at this age? At all? I was sitting, watching her climb and was overcome with jealousy.

I am jealous of all the things we will be able to provide her that I could only dream of when I was a kid. If she wants to go to Space Camp, done. Tennis shoes worn out? Let's head to the store. Sports lessons? Sure thing. What keeps her from being six with six different lessons is our desire to not wear her too thin.

In the same heartbeat I am proud that we can provide her with these things. We played by the rules: Worked hard, went to college and got good paying jobs. We have been rewarded - not richly, but just enough.

Now I'm pondering how do I raise her to value all these things that we can provide her? How to raise her with knowledge of how we got to this point without being all "when I was your age..." I feel like we're at this critical point in her development that if I don't figure it out, she'll grow up to be a spoiled ungrateful kid. Then again, she's such a loving and caring person that it's hard to see her turn out like that ever.

Perhaps living in an old home where we put plastic on the windows in the winter and still haven't remodeled the kitchen will help temper her own view of her privilege.


Note: I put better in quotes here because it's a value judgement. Was my childhood terrible? No. Could it had been better with more money in the bank? Maybe. Will my daughter have a better childhood? Can't say. But she will have more opportunities than I did.

Be still my feminist mama heart...My daughter and the Emmys

It's Sunday and homework is all done (actually, she didn't have any since she won Star Student of the Week. *gloating*), the kid is in her PJs, teeth have been brushed and tomorrow's clothes are picked up. Yup, it's a rare night when it's 8 pm and not much is left to do in our household. We're curled up in a heap on the couch flipping between the 2009 Emmy Awards and Sunday Night Football.

Our precocious daughter watches men and women pick up separate acting awards. Then one of the writing award nominations are being announced. "So, is this the men's writing awards?" "Um, no mija. Just the writing awards. But GOOD observation!"

As much as I feel that I am raising her in what I would call a feminist manner, I wouldn't say that I point out all of life's injustices like say an awards category where there are only men or only white women. That is for much later in life when I feel like she could handle such a conversation. Only at the age of 6 she makes that observation herself.

This is the same girl who around the age of 2 or 3 let it be known that it's OK for the baby rubber ducky to have two mommies and at the age of 4 stated that restrooms with sinks and soap dispensers too high for her to reach were bad because little kids couldn't reach them on their own and that is just unfair. Seriously? You think I taught her that last one? Last month we were in a restroom when she took a step back from the sink and proudly told me that "Mom, now this is a good  kid sink!" Two years later she's still on the look out for kid-friendly rest room sinks.

I tweeted her Emmy comment and got a lot of retweets. A sign that others not only agreed with her, but a sign to her that she's seeing it right. She's got the right lens on her two perfect eyes.

I will always say first and foremost, she was born with an innate sense of fairness. I merely support her and guide her in that fairness. Yes, she takes it too literal in that she believes a 6-year-old deserves the exact same amount of dinner and dessert as her 34-year-old mother. But on the whole she's usually dead on.

What I find is feminist in this mothering moment is that I knew exactly what she was talking about. I didn't need to rewind the DVR to see that yes, it was an all dude category. And I affirmed her observation and stressed that it was a GOOD one. I didn't ignore her, I didn't make excuses and I didn't wave her off as being silly.

I affirmed her voice.

And I think that is one of the most feminist things I can do for her as I help her find her way in this world.

Welcome Diego Mulligan listeners!

It was a pleasure to be on Diego Mulligan's show, The Journey Home, this evening.

Diego & I spent a lot of time chatting about health care reform and mom blogs, so I thought that I'd pull up a few recent posts on health care on a few of my favorite mom blogs:

• PunditMom points us to some great places for information on health care reform;
• CultureKitchen (a blog that happens to be run by a mom) demands that Bean & Foster give us health care reform;
  
• MOMocrats discusses what is actually in the health care bills about abortion;
• MOMocrats take on Sarah Palin and her death panel comment;
• One MOMocrat tells her story of losing her health insurance;
• VivirLatino (run by a mami blogger) discusses health care in immigration detention centers, or the lack there of health care in immigration detention centers;
  
• Feminist Breeder tells us why we don't need that c-section;
• MomsRising is also a great source for mama's discussing health care.

Thanks for visiting!

Birthday weekend

This weekend was my daughter's sixth birthday!

I can't believe she's six already. Where did the time go? Seriously?!

Saturday we had some of her friends & family over for a party. The weather was touch & go, but we were able to get outside for the breaking of the unicorn pinata. Of course, not everyone got a chance to whack the paper fantasy creature as the 3rd kid to really take a turn, the kid's boy BFF, beheaded the unicorn. The funniest part is that the kids didn't know what to do! The candy didn't scatter as the body was still intact. So I ripped it open and the kids went scrambling for the goodies.

Saturday night we want to a Chicago Sky game with family. It was a great game except that the kid is still scared of Sky Guy, so when he brought her cupcakes she didn't take it well.

But overall the weekend was great. And now I'm the mom of a six-year-old with the attitude of a 16-year-old. Wish us luck!

Affirmative Action's Next Generation

Sonia Sotomayor said she was an affirmative action baby. I was too, as was my husband. But what does that mean for my daughter?

Affirmative action was crafted to give those of us without privilege a bit of a leg up for opportunities. It should be a way for employers and admission committees to be made to look at my application carefully instead of dismissing it outright if my scores are a bit lower than others. It's not because I would had been a poorer student, but it's fairly well documented that standardized tests are biased against women and people of color. Of course things are better today because the tests have responded to the constructive criticism.

But as I listened to the hearings this past week and the praise that Sotomayor received for her struggle left me wondering where the babies of affirmative action babies stand.

My husband and I have three degrees, we have jobs that pay us more than the median household gets and we have a good network. When I was a kid and I was a budding science nrrd, my parents didn't know how to funnel that energy. So I spent summers with my nose stuck in books trying to teach myself anatomy, both human and dolphin, instead of at a science camp or internship. Both are good, but you know that camps and internships give you access that a book doesn't.

Our daughter isn't in need to affirmative action the way that we needed it. That said, racism persists and I believe always will. So what does that mean for my daughter and the children of other Latinos who pulled themselves up using affirmative action bootstraps? Do they need affirmative action?

I'm still mulling this over, but wanted to get it out there, hopefully for others to chime in and we can tackle this together.

Blogging moms make the cover of Ms!

Take a look at that cover!

Yes indeed, some of us mamas are blogging, tweeting & rising to the occasion. Inside the upcoming issue of Ms. (hitting news stands August 4th) is a featured article by Kara Jesella on mom blogs! The article features quotes from PunditMom, Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner of Moms Rising and me. I'm excited and scared to hear the feedback from everyone, especially after the last time I stuck my head out on feminism & motherhood.

As I am sure that people will end up here at this blog after the issue is read, I am going to be more diligent in posting here when I post elsewhere. Yes, this blog has evolved more and more into a portal of sorts, pointing you to other places where I write and dole out my two cents on life.

In that vein, I present you this week's edition of where I've been:

Over at the Bitch magazine blog:

• Featured Mom Blog: Hijas Americanas

• Book Review: The Daddy Shift
  

• Debbie Rowe: The portrait of motherly love or greed?
  

• Feminism and Caregiving
  

• Sisterhood Is...

And over at AWEARNESS:

• Reunion for the 1968 Democratic National Convention
• Best Tribute to Michael Jackson
• Young Women's Action Team responds to economic crisis
• Sarah Palin, I wish I knew how to quit you
  
• Do You Tip Housekeeping When You Travel?
• Why Do You Volunteer?
• Little sympathy for Madoff victims

Where I've been...

I really need to write up some of the amazing things I learned at the National Council for Research on Women's conference. I sat thru 3 hours of feminist economics!

Until then, I'll leave ya with links to where I actually have been blogging:

Girl w/Pen:
Science Grrl: Why Does Progress for Women in Science & Engineering Sound So Threatening?

Bitch Magazine:
* Carlos Zambrano: Stay at home dad?
* Congratulations, it's a girl and you're a liberal!
* Anti-abortion Mommy Blog Hoax Exposed

AWEARNESS blog:
* Can We Call It Terrorism Now?
* The Loss for Abortion Protesters
* NASCAR on the Basketball Court

Feminist | Mom

I do not intend to dive back into the mania that surrounded Nona's article in the Nation, but I feel like Michael Corleone when I read shots like Julie Pippert's Guardian's article:

This most recent debate among feminists began with a naive assertion by Nona Willis Aronowitz that mothers who write blogs are disconnected from feminists. Nonsense, I said, in a lengthy comment, citing both MOMocrats and WomenCount. Both cover issues of interest to women, and have begun working to influence political decision making.

What is naive is to keep saying the same thing over and over and expect the problem to go away. "Now, Veronica," you're saying, "You keep saying the same thing over and over." Yes, but I want the problem to be resolved not tucked under the rug.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the people to have sent me emails about this issue. They say things like "I too feel alone in finding feminist mom friends!" online and off.

First, if you're online, do check out MOMocrats and find each of those writers personal blogs. They are feminists and moms. The fact that Nona failed to mention them in the article continues to be beaten into the earth.

I was asked by Julie and others why I didn't mention MOMocrats when I talked with Nona. And I replied with:: I have no idea if I did or did not. I'm fairly certain that I mentioned PunditMom because I love her stuff and I want to see her get more play. I'm sure I mentioned NOW's Mothers & Caregivers Economic Rights committee because I'm the co-chair. Why am I not certain about MOMocrats? Well honestly cause I'm not one of them. Why would I spend valuable time talking with a journalist writing for the Nation talking about a group that I'm not involved with? Now really...I wanted to see the NOW committee get more play. Mostly because I do hear from moms and others that feminists in general and NOW specifically don't work on mom issues. Oh really? is my response.

Now is there a divide? A disconnect? A whatchamacallit between mom bloggers and feminist bloggers? I still say yes.

That does not mean that there aren't feminist bloggers who support mom issues OR that mom bloggers aren't feminist. What that means is that we aren't connecting enough to really galvanize our power to get stuff done.

And this is coming from someone who has been blogging since late 2000 (I really hate to throw that around like this, but I feel like I have to) and has loved since almost their inception Feministe (started by a single former teenage mom) and Bitch PhD (feminist mom extraordinaire).

There are also a TON of moms of color who are so feminist/womanist/political that they don't embrace the mom blogger label because they feel it isn't strong enough for them. This list is not to signify that they personally feel that way, but I see them as missing in the mom(my) blog is feminist discussion Culture Kitchen, Mamita Mala and flip flopping joy. They are three women who are far more radical in so many ways and whom I learn from in different ways (even if they don't always appreciate me as a student).

This is another example of what I mean by a disconnect.

This is why I was FLOORED with joy when Momsrising took the brave step to send out alerts on the issue of immigration. While I love Momsrising and love to work with them, they do work on some fairly tame issues. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, I think paid sick days is such a tame issue it boggles my mind why it's not a freakin' given.

And really maybe that's the issue here. Me.

Maybe I wish the mom blogosphere isn't aggressive enough and that the feminist blogosphere doesn't respect enough.

Or maybe I've been around so damn long that I don't recognize the evolution.

Maybe I surround myself with too many different characters.

Or maybe I'm flat wrong. But I know I'm not because some of you have told me otherwise.

As long as I keep hearing from you that I'm on to something, I'm going to ride this horse until it's dead. Althou I do hope I can gracefully dismount and let the critter go graze into the sunset.

Book Review: You'd Be So Pretty If... by Dara Chadwick

When I was pregnant I dreamed about having a daughter. And I kinda freaked. How could I possibly raise a strong women-child in this body obsessed world when most days I loathe my body? How long could I fake it so she doesn't pick up on my body hate? Well the Goddess did send me a woman-child who not only looks JUST like me but her favorite thing to do with me is to squeeze my belly fat. OK she likes to do that with everyone, but she also adds in "Mommy's the squishiest!"

You'd Be So Pretty If...Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies - Even When We Don't Love Our Own by Dara Chadwick tackles just this issue. This was a painful book to read but I loved it. I'm also mailing my copy to Amy. She was over when I got the copy and looked at me, "I want that!"

This was one pseudo-academic book that really used the personal memoir aspect perfectly. Chadwick grounds her book in exploring how women learn to criticize our bodies from media, but especially from our own moms. Chadwick's mom had a saying, "If you think you're fat, you probably are." By the end of the book Chadwick reinterrprets that saying to mean that we are in control of how we feel about our body.

The journey thou is hard, but one that I believe all moms of daughters should take. There's a chapter in there for dads and brothers as well. Chadwick starts us off with the idea that as moms we create a "body image blueprint" for our grrls. "As mothers, how we feel about and relate to our own bodies - and the conscious or unconscious expression of that relationship - creates a "body image blueprint" for our daughters (pg 8)." It's pretty obvious once we start to think about it, isn't it? Stop and think about what you learned about your body from your mom.

I learned that it was something that had to be controlled, reigned in and would eventually fail you. I remember my mom weighing her food. I can now see that my mom used "fatness" for talking me into covering up more of my body. I look at pics of myself back in middle and high school and think, "Seriously? I thought I was fat?!" When in fact she was trying to hide my very developed body.

And I love that Chadwick included "the talk" in her book. She links our developing bodies to our sexuality or perceived sexuality because grrls bodies are going thru puberty, evolving to our eventual woman form and with that adding weight.

Chadwick writes a lot about how we interact with our daughters. Not just how we comment on their body, or how we comment on our own, but also how we accept or decline compliments in front of them or from them. Chadwick quotes professionals that say we shouldn't use the word fat in front of kids. A few months ago I would had been all "Hell yeah!" but Dawn's recent musings on our fat tummies has me rethinking that stance. I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around how to allow the use of the word fat, teach the kid not to use it for others - at least in a negative sense - and all that.

The issue of media education comes up and as board member of WIMN, I totally agree that we need to teach all kids how to see thru media. But even those of us with all the media savvy still fall prey to media messages. I know all the photos are photoshopped, but I'm still pissed when I can't get my hair to look "just like hers!" I also think that Chadwick takes her daughter's very privileged experience of seeing behind the scenes of a magazine as too representative of how all girls could be and thus minimizes the harmful effects of our photoshopped world.

I also have to add that I felt Chadwick minimized her own eating disorder. I can sense that she is still coming to terms with it and I get that. At one point she says she flirted with an eating disorder, later admits to losing thirty pounts in high school from an eating disorder and near the end dismisses her eating disorder past as an "adolescent mentality." From all the things I've read on eating disorders, it is a mentality, but not just for adolescents. And she does mention this, I was just floored by the wording.

Despite the slight issues I had with the book, I can't say enough how I hope that every mom out there reads this book. You might even find a way to love your body more, forgive your mom for how she programmed you or just know that you really are impacting your daughter with jokes about your body. Chadwick also gives you some good points on how to talk to the men in your lives (Dads & brothers) on how their boy behavior is not going over as "just a joke" to your 13-year-old daughter and to cut it the fuck out.

Oh and Amy, I want my copy back when you're done.

Grab a copy for yourself at an indie bookstore or Powells.com.

Disclaimer: I received this book for review after I requested it from the publisher.

Fem 2.0 tweetchat

It's over.

Since I participate fairly regularly, I immediately noticed who wasn't on. I'm trying not to take it personally, I really am. But being told that I'm trying to force a rift where there isn't one, that I offended people by voicing an issue I have felt since before I was a mom and that by making sacrifices...well I feel pretty beaten up.

I don't know how many times I have to repeat this.

I tried to bring in mom issues to feminist conversations and I got a lot of blank stares.

I tried to bring feminist issues to mom conversations and I get silence or even thrown out.

Thanks to the few people who have sent me "Me too!" tweets, emails & comments. Because I feel very alone on this issue right now. I am questioning whether or not I'm not imagining all of this. But I know I'm not. And that must mean that others are lucky enough to have a circle of mom friends who are also feminists. I love my non-feminist mom friends thou. We connect on other levels and sometimes they whisper encouragement. When I became a mom I knew I would make sacrifices. The first one was to horde my vacation time for maternity leave. That meant I didn't visit my sick mom until it was too late. Call me selfish...I do. The next was declining an internship because it would have meant giving birth, moving & starting internship all within a month. I get up at 4 am to catch a 7 am flight so I can be at home one extra night for my daughter instead of flying in early so I get a good night's sleep. I can't do it all. It looks like I do some days, but believe me, I don't...not even close.

Don't worry about me...I'll be ok. All it will take is one look I get in certain circles when I try to bring my full life into conversation and I'll be snapped back into my divided world.

Adoption is a feminist issue

Within the debate over the "Raising the Baby Question" article and my response to said article was a question of why I would throw in adoption to the conversation. It's pretty simple and quite complicated, but I hope you'll stay with me on this. To do this, I am going to use as simple of terms as possible – in other words, I will use birth mom, adoptive mom and giving up a baby:

1. 1. Women are at the center of adoption. I know it seems pretty obvious, but I think we overlook this point by focusing on the baby and its need for a good home, which isn't a bad thing. But we need to remember that a woman is giving up her child and feminists are most likely the only group of people who can look out for her. There are too many agencies that are focused on the money aspect. Adoptive parents are focused on their needs. That's why I absolutely love the Shaker who wrote a moving piece on being a birth mom. Of course there are wonderful feminist agencies and adoptive parents out there, but on the whole from someone peering into the adoptive process I feel that the birth moms get the short stick.
   
2. 2. Economics are at play no matter how feminist we are in the adoption process. Throughout the anti-choice debate a lot of focus goes towards talking women out of abortion and giving up the baby for adoption as it were simple. But implied in this line of thought is "I know you don't have the money to keep her, so love her by giving her to someone who does have the money." This is why I say that economic justice is essentially linked to reproductive justice. Without women being able to say, "OK, I'm pregnant, there is a child care center in my workplace and I get 3 months paid maternity leave, but you know I am just not ready to be a mom." there is no real choice.
   
3. 3. And yes there is the class difference that is prevalent in many adoptive relationships. It takes a lot of freaking money to adopt a child in this world. Domestic or international, there is money exchanged. To ignore this is naive. It doesn't mean that there is baby selling, but we must acknowledge the class differences at play.
   
4. 4. E.J. Graff has made a splash in the adoptive parent community with her series of essays on international adoption and baby selling. Many are denouncing her work as undocumented and reactionary. I see it as forcing us to face a possible consequence of adoption. I have friends who have adopted and who want to adopt. I've thought about it myself. If people like E.J. Graff pressure governments to craft laws and regulations that can ensure adoptive parents that they are baby stealers, then I think it's a good thing. I read though Dawn's posts about her adoptive mom guilt. I can only imagine that it might be heightened if one was to adopt from a country like Guatemala or India where baby stealing is alleged if not proven in a handful of cases. I want adoptive families to start off with hope not doubt.
   

But essentially adoption is an issue that feminists must know about inside and out. It's the option that people throw out when discussing abortion. We can't dismiss its importance. It is important to frame choice as a decision to carry a pregnancy to term or not. The next choice if abortion is not an option is whether a woman has to make is whether to parent or not. Anti's can talk until they are blue in the face about the dangers of post-abortion depression, despite the fact that studies show that most women are relieved post-abortion or if there is any mental health issues, they were present before she became pregnant. We must talk about the impact of adoption on women, good and bad. We have to be vigilant that we never return to the days when unmarried teens are forced to give up their wanted children.

If there is one group of people who have the power, will and ethics to ensure a fair, safe and loving adoptive process, it would be feminists.

About that Nation article on moms, feminism & blogging....

Nona & I talked over the phone for a good 45 minutes about this article. I knew immediately that she got the issue as I was communicating it. Her prompt was simple - why aren't young feminists connected to mother issues and vice versa?

As someone who has been a feminist activist in some form or another since high school, was a member of NOW and vice-president of a local chapter when I had my daughter, she knew I had keen insight. I was 28, so I was still considered a young feminist. My first National NOW board meeting had me towing my newborn along with me. I breastfed the kid as I sat next to Ellie Smeal.

But I've also been in conversations with fellow feminists before & after I became a mom about the flip side of hospital mergers: birthing choice and reproductive technology. But those issues fell flat. When I tried to explain that CHOICE is more than choosing NOT to be a mom, but to choose to BE a mom, it didn't register as well as I wanted. Ditto for adoption. And this is why I told Nona that I think the pressure to BE a mom is so great on some young women that they don't want to work on mothering issues.

As I have said at Fem2.0 and WAM! I still believe that the popular/mainstream/big mommy blogging sites are apolitical. My sisters over at MOMocrats are taking offense to the article. I can see why. But I want to say that I think that Nona was speaking to the mom blogs we see in the corporate media. The Oprah Show moms & the like. I haven't read through all of them. I had my fill of them on Oprah.

But even if all of them were political uberfeminists, corporate media isn't showcasing them as such. Forbes.com showcased mom blogs for Mother's Day and not one blog they chose was described as a political blog.

Nielsen listed the top 50 power mom blogs [pdf link!] and categorized them and guess which category was missing? Political/activist. Their piece on connection with power moms does actually use the word "political" in a graphic of what moms are talking about. And feminism was either not heard or was looked for in the mom blogosphere conversation.

Are there political/feminist moms blogging? Hell yes! Is corporate media paying attention? Nope.

We're still riding the fumes of Mother's Day coupled with the concern over swine flu, so mothering issues like paid sick days were hot in the past few weeks. But without a public health crisis, paid sick days wouldn't have made more than a blip in media. In a few weeks mothering issues will be forgotten.

Does that mean I think that orgs like Moms Rising aren't doing a good job? Oh hell no.

Do I think that orgs like NOW aren't doing a good job with mothering issues? Considering that I'm the co-chair of the Mothers & Caregivers Economic Rights committee, oh hell no! What I do think is that given sending a TV crew to film a NOW rally on abortion versus a NOW discussion on post-partum depression, corporate media will always go with abortion. I've been in both situations.

And the media is what is pushing what issues are deemed "feminist" issues. Young women get their info from blogs and TV. What is discussed more often than not? Abortion, birth control and maybe lesbian rights. Those are hot button issues. They get play. BTW, I truly believe that if the media actually highlighted feminists working FOR mothers, that we'll win it all.

I've read the web letters and I take part of the "blame" for exclusions in Nona's piece. But as I said at the beginning, I focused on young feminism and what I felt were "typical" mommy blogs. We did talk about my work with NOW and my own blogging. I can't recall if we touched on all the concerns people have brought up, but we covered a lot. I did enjoy remembering the early days of Feministe, pre-and-early-Jill, when it was run by a single mom who entered motherhood as a teenager. Lauren rocked my socks off with her feminist take on single teenage motherhood.

That said, I still stand by the premise that there is a disconnect between the more popular feminist blogs and the more popular mom blogs. Every now and then there is a connection. And those blogs like PunditMom, who is a dear friend, are not getting the play they deserve. If anyone deserved to be listed in a Top 50 feminist or mom blog list, she does. And that is just my point.

If the connections are to be made, we need to reach out both ways. Young feminist blogs need to link to mom blogs more often and vice versa. As Nona writes over at Feministing's community site:

I know that young women and feminists care about these issues. My article (and Feministing) proves that. I also know that there are feminist/political moms out there. Still, parenting organizations who are under the media’s feminist radar but instituting real change need to align themselves with younger feminist blogs and organizations that get more face time. And vice versa. They should be linking each other, Twittering each other, and inviting each other to conferences. There needs to be groups like the MOMocrats that includes and speaks to non-moms, too. Young women need to not only comment on, but be engaged with these issues—and connect them to issues of abortion and birth control. It’s always hard to take action on issues that don’t directly affect you, but childless young feminists need to secure their futures.

I hope that this controversy ignites the connections I've been hoping for since I started blogging. The Dawns and PunditMoms of the blogosphere need to be recognized alongside the Jessicas and Jills. None are more awesome than the other. Each have their audience. But together? OMFG, together we would totally have world domination...with PunditMom in charge, of course.

This post is cross-posted at WIMN's Voices and Fem2.0.

This and that...

The weekend was jam packed, so I'm just now getting around to a round up of my Awearness posts and a few more media hits:

AWEARNESS

• Honoring WASPs
• Mother's Day is Over. Resume Ignoring Their Issues
• Truth Comes to the U.S. Capitol
• What Would the World Look Like if All Girls Everywhere Had Their Rights?
  
• It's Really Not Easy Being Green
• In Defense of Denise Richards
  

Kim Moldofsky quoted me in her piece" Invite Diversity To Your Brand's Blogger Retreat" on diversity & marketing to mom bloggers:

"VivaLaFeminista.com founder Veronica Arreola thinks the lack of outreach to women of color is a subtle form of racism. "When people are asked to think of a typical American family, the one that comes to mind is a white family, not a black, Hispanic or multiracial one," says Arreola, a Latina mom. "Perhaps having the Obama family in the White House will help reshape perceptions," she adds."

Nona quoted me in "Raising the Baby Question" on moms, feminists & blogs:

Arreola, a 34-year-old mother who writes the blog Viva la Feminista, is a rare exception, a woman who has a strong blogger presence as a feminist and mother. She was one of the first in her group of feminist activist friends to have kids, a fact that immediately put her in "some other camp," she admits.

The web letters section has a good debate going, but I'm going to write up my thoughts separately.

I didn't post my full contribution to these articles so please do read the full articles. They are great.

Live blog: Work-Family Balance for Women & Men

I am live-blogging from the Council On Contemporary Families Annual Conference.

Women Do Kill

It was just a matter of time. It's just been a few days since the news of a woman being arrested and charged with the murder of 8-year-old Sandra Cantu and we already have a flurry of stories about "Why do women kill?"

According to the Justice Department, roughly one in 10 homicides are committed by women. And when women kill, their victims are more likely to be someone close to them, like their children, boyfriends or spouses.

Friend of Viva la Feminista, Jennifer Pozner has been writing about the gender imbalance in school, now mass, shootings since Jonesboro in 1996. Heck, one of my first pseudo-blogs back then was the keep a running photo memorial to the women killed in the shootings from Jonesboro to Columbine. Yet time again, shooting after shooting, the media scoffs aside the fact that MEN do most of the killing. Yet when a woman does kill, every media outlet pulls out a few psychologists to discuss WHY.

Why not focus on the 90% of killing done by men?

Why focus on the mom who kills, the latest because she thougth she was the anti-Christ, instead of the rash of killings by dads who have lost their jobs?

Is it because we are so tied to the mythology that woman are all loving and protecting? Or do we, as a society NOT feminism, think so little of our men that we actually expect them to kill, so when it happens, we don't flich...too much anyway?

We are already the most incarerated country in the world, so let's try to think of solutions that are beyond "lock 'em up."

Let's start by examining our expectations. Yes, that means starting at how we raise our boys and girls. This doesn't mean we need to rid the world of all violent play, but let's see how far we let our boys versus our girls go with it. When I was a girl and I played "Star Wars" at recess, the boys would often fall into "Boys will be Boys" play and thus into a big wrestling pile. No worries. But once I started to partake in that THE MAN, ok THE WOMAN (who supervised recess) came down hard on me. Should girls be allowed to play "like boys" or should we even allow boys to wrestle like that? Where's the line and what does that tell our children?

How do we raise our boys to deal with their feelings? Do we scoff at them when they want to take dance class or want to *gasp* talk about their bad day? Do we let them be loud while shushing our girls? Are we still raising boys to think they will be THE breadwinner, when in reality men and women are winning the bread nowadays?

How are we crafting men's egos that they are so fragile that losing one's job sends them over the edge to murder?

I don't have any answers to these questions, but I hope it's a start of a conversation that might help prevent future deaths.

Where I've been!

It's the end of the semester for me! Last night was my last big event so I'm pooped.

But as long time readers know I write for many a blog and I've been a total slacker posting here when those go up. So here ya go:

At the AWEARNESS blog:

• The Violence Against Women Act at 15
  
• Only One Man Could Unite La Raza and MomsRising
• The R-word

I have a new post at WIMNs Voices about the Oprah show with mommy bloggers.

I’ve been blogging since before I became a mom. While so many mommy bloggers started blogging to find community or reassurance of their lives and decisions as moms, I sought out a venue to rant and rave about politics and baseball. So when I got pregnant, the natural instinct was to keep on writing. And I did. I wrote about my midwives and why I stayed with them despite an hour drive into the suburbs to see them. I wrote about being diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I wrote about how I couldn’t save my mom from her own diabetes and she died at the beginning of my third trimester. I wrote because that’s what I do.

A few years later I joined a mommy collaborative blog, the Chicago Moms Blog. It was a lot of fun writing and reading with different moms. Attachment moms, adoptive moms, suburban moms…A fairly good spectrum of moms. One of the goals that most of the moms shared was getting our stories told on OPRAH. We thought we had a good story. A bunch of moms who might never spend 10 minutes together if it weren’t for blogging, who supported each other’s work even if it differed from our own and moms who were doing more than just complaining about leaky diapers and husbands who don’t realize the kids need dinner. We were moms, but more than the stereotype.

Turns out that Oprah prefers the stereotype.

READ THE REST AT WIMNS VOICES

My latest is up at Girl w/Pen on wowing my daughter with math:

One of my most vivid memories of first grade is when Mrs. Gerry wouldn’t let me have a counting strip. It had lily pads on it and a frog at zero. When I got up to get in line to get my counting strip, Mrs. Gerry told me to turn around and sit down. “You don’t need one.” I was embarrassed to have my math skills announced like that to the class. But she was right, I didn’t need it. That was the start of my math nrrd status.

Last week I had my daughter at my office because of report card pick up. Yes, in Chicago, that means the kids have the day off so teachers can focus on parent conferences. She loves being at my office because I have a white board and I let her draw all over it. Normally she draws pictures, but this time she was doodling math problems. I turned around and saw that she was trying to add 15 to 20 and had figured it out. How did my kindergarten daughter figure this out? Well, she drew counters. First 15 then 20 more and counted them up. I also noticed that she wrote the problem out vertically, so I thought it was a good time to teach her how to add double digits. I drew boxes around the right column and told her to add those numbers, then did the same with the left column. I knew it would work because there was no carrying involved.

READ THE REST AT GIRL W/PEN

BTW - I think I might change my motherhood tag to mothering. Hmm...

Magazine Review: Brain, Child (Spring 2009)

Are you a mom whose brain cells haven’t all died? Are you tired of 7 Fun Ways to Make Your Child Gifted/a Pro Athlete/Chess Master articles? Rather looking for say 60 pages to keep your smarts? Then grab yourself a copy of Brain, Child.

Brain, Child calls itself “the magazine for thinking mothers” and they ain’t kidding.

The Spring 2009 issue took forever for me to read because after each article I had to put the issue down, stew in my thoughts on the subject, reflect, and repeat for a few hours to a few days. Drugs, sex, swearing and not living with your children – what say you? Oh, don’t fret, there is an article on fashion. But instead of a spread on what is hot for the pre-tween set, we get an engaging piece from Mylisa Larsen about what she learns about fashion from her four-year-old daughter. For part of this essay, I thought that perhaps I wrote it in my sleep & sent it in. Larsen & I share free-spirited girls who like to thumb their nose at fashion rules by matching stripes of one color with plaid of another on top of a butterfly print. Larsen experiments with fashion after years of belonging to the “comfortable shoe club” with amazing, yet predictable results.

If I had to label this issue, I’d label it “The One with My Friends in it.” Katy Read’s essay on non-custodial moms is heartbreaking yet enlightening to a world that baffles me, yet I also understand. Rebekah Spicuglia, whose story was also told in a WMC op-ed, summarizes her decision to not have her son live with her. She opens her heart and decides what is best for her son, not her, not what others expect her to do, but honestly what is best for her son at that moment in time. Spicuglia is representative of why some women do opt not to have custody of their child(ren) after splitting with the father – they are in school, they need to focus on reentering the workforce and so on. They aren’t out “finding themselves,” rather they are being responsible to themselves and their child(ren). Jill Miller Zimon talks about why noncustodial moms are a growing population and that society needs to recognize them for what they are – moms. Other friends mentioned in this issue include Devra Renner, who is discussing the hope military families have that the Obama administration will help them out on a variety of issues, including some that may benefit all families and PunditMom having an ad on the back cover.

Johanna Bailey and Joan Marcus both muse about whether or not exposing your child(ren) to something “adult” (drugs and swearing, respectfully) is harmful or not. Bailey makes a strong case that talking frankly and vividly (with all the details her step-father did with her in an attempt to scare her) with children about your past drug use could have a reverse effect. She speaks from hard-earned experience. Marcus’s father was the stereotypical swearing sailor. She grew up with not just his swearing, but watching Rocky Horror and appears to be a well-adjusted adult. I do wish that Marcus had explored the difference between general cursing (shit, fuck, hell) to racist and misogynistic epithets. She touches on it, but then lets it go. I say that because I ponder the same thing. Is it so wrong for my daughter to hear me cursing out CNN, yet again, versus hearing hateful words come from my mouth? OK, you could make a case that calling the latest GOP talking head an asshole is hateful, you know what I mean. I also wonder how many times Marcus will get asked to comment on High School Musical versus Grease.

As you can see from my profiling barely half of the pieces in this issue, this is not your usual mother’s magazine. I have to admit that when I first picked up Brain, Child after I had my daughter, I felt intimidated by the pieces. Gone are the smiley baby pictures on every other page. In its place is real, hard, cold, loving content meant to make us think. Thus for the newbie readers, go grab a copy and go slowly. You have three months to read each issue before the next one shows up on your doorstep or your bookstore. If your local bookstore doesn’t carry it, ASK for it.

AND if you want to subscribe (I’m going to finally do it!) there’s a neat package deal in the magazine. You can sign up on your own for $19.95 (newsstand is $23.80) for a full year. OR you can find three momma friends, subscribe together and get each subscription costs only $14. That’s a medium cuppa soy chai in savings! And I do believe this offer is only good with the special form in the magazine.

Disclaimer: I can’t recall how my relationship with Brain, Child began, but I’m sure they pitched me the idea of reviewing them on my blog and I said yes. The issue I read was a review copy. Future copies will be paid out of my own jean pocket.