30 seconds

My 30 second spot is now up on the Progressive Women's Voices site. I'm not going to embed it because I think it would drive me crazy to see that video for a few more days.

In order to get this video I took a zillion takes, made a lot of fumbles, and was extremely nervous, which I think is evident on the video. After I saw the video, I was disappointed. I was hoping that somewhere in the 15 minutes I was taped I had done 30 seconds of good stuff without the office needing to splice the video. But seriously I was that nervous.

Why was I nervous? It was a combination of a camera being in the room and knowing that countless people would or could see this video. But honestly it's the thought of being wrong.

I've seen it a lot of more these days...people putting out their opinion and then saying, "But I'm not speaking for all [insert group here]." Well, honestly you are. And getting to that place was hard for me. For many years I was speaking, representing women/Latinas/feminists and I knew it. It wasn't easy and I would qualify my points. But in the end, we are all representatives of who we are. It's not fair, but it is what it is. If I'm on CNN talking about women in science and the need for on-site child care, I'm representing myself and the women I'm speaking for. And that's why I'm nervous. What if I say a statistic that is not just kinda wrong, but flat-out-totally wrong? I'm slowly embracing the idea of girlifying math & science, but what if I turn off that girl who does want to build jet fighters? How do I talk to all girls?

Simply, I can't.

Maybe I could craft my message to talk about building jet fighters or water irrigation sytems. Maybe that's pitting the two things against each other.

Last night I directed my husband to the site so he can see the video. Amazingly I thought I SOUNDED fine. The fact that I couldn't see the video, couldn't see where they edited it...I was pretty darn ok with what was being played. I was able to focus on one thing - my words. When I'm watching myself, I worry about my words, how I'm sitting, how big my eyes get when I'm excited, where are my hands, does my jewelry look ok, and even if the background was good.

Maybe I need to trick myself into believing that when I'm taping such things that I'm sitting in the Heartland Cafe talking with Michael while people around me are enjoying their coffee and whole grain pancakes. I dunno if that would work if I ever make it on to a TV show where the host is accusing me of things rather than engaging in a conversation the way Michael does. Hopefully one day I'll find out.